Sometimes I fantasize about being debt free.  Just substitute always for sometimes.  I’m not thinking about living in a mansion and driving a Mercedes.  I’m just thinking about a life with reliable things that I have the funds to replace when I need to.

The recession ripped out from under me the safety net I didn’t know I was relying on.  My confidence that I could always get by somehow diminished.  And I wasn’t affected in any dramatic way, but watching people who had worked their whole lives losing their jobs, having no more protections in place than I do at 26, made everything feel uncertain.  When it started affecting my parents, however minimally, I was scared.  It seemed that no matter what you do, you’re always at risk.

Changing my mind to get out of debt changed my thoughts about the future as well.  There is a lot I can do to make myself financially stable.  It’s just that I’m impatient to get there already.  I want a more reliable car and six months worth of expenses in savings and other adult things!  Basically, I want nice things.

But, this has been a mind trap for me before.  A way I delude myself.  I think, I’ll buy this quality thing and then I won’t have to replace it.  It’s a variation of I’ll just buy this one last thing and then that will be it, which is a variation of I’ll just get high one last time and then that will be it (I’ve been watching a lot of Weeds lately).

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This is my Costco mentality.  I am a very organized person and I like to do everything as efficiently as possible.  One trip to Target to buy all of the cosmetics, toiletries, snack foods, and cleaning supplies I need is more efficient than one a week.

But, even when I try to grab everything I need, I forget things.  I have to run to the store for coffee filters or floss or whatever, so I’m not really saving myself a trip or anything.  On top of which, it’s not like I live in the country and it costs me tons of money in gas to get to the store.  I live five minutes from almost everything I need.   The lived reality doesn’t quite match the theory.

Worst of all, though, when I get in the mindset that I’m just going to spend what it takes to get everything I need now, I stop caring so much about the money.  That means that I add in a DVD I want or a shirt or maybe a pair of shoes.  What’s another $15 when I’m already spending near $100?  What’s another $40 when I’m already spending $100 is more like it.

What works better for me is to buy only what I need right now.  My great fear is running out of something I need (the horror!), which has turned out to be a ridiculous fear, because there are few things I can’t at least wait a couple days for.  Going without has helped me to see how easily I can get by with less.  I don’t know that I really save myself any money on the things I need, but I have eliminated a shopping trip where I was always tempted to buy stuff I didn’t need.

I feel better about myself when I shop this way.  Those trips where I added all those extra items to my cart, thinking “what does it matter,” made me feel bad about myself.  They made me feel like I’d lost control.  When I buy only what I need, I feel in control and I keep my head about me, saying no to those temptations.  Best of all, it keeps me out of Target where I’m pretty sure they pump something into the air to make me lose me sense.

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1. Self-Delusion #1: I Work Hard, So I Deserve to Spend Money
2. No Spend Days

It took some irrational thinking to get me so far into debt and to keep me from doing something about it much earlier.  I’m trying to address some of the ways I deluded myself.

I work a lot.  I always have, but now more than ever.  I have never been a big spender, but small purchases can add up (especially when you really cannot afford them), and after working all week, sometimes I like to shop just to distract myself from things I don’t want to deal with and because I have convinced myself that because I work hard, I deserve nice things.

The self-delusion is that it’s not about what I deserve.  It’s about what I can afford.  And, right now, since I’ve convinced myself I deserved all of these things, I now cannot afford even the occasional shopping trip.

It’s true that I work hard, but that should be all the more reason for me to get myself out of debt.  Right now, my money isn’t going toward anything.  I spend it on things I don’t need and bank fees.  I am working hard so that I can stay in debt.  What a waste of all that energy.

I can sometimes get grumpy and even resentful that I have to work so much, especially because I am surrounded by grad students who work part-time or not at all.  I know, cry me a river, but it is frustrating sometimes. Paying down my debt, though, gives me extra motivation during those long nights at work.  I have a goal.  I can see the results of all the hard work I’m putting in.  This is so much better than spinning my wheels.

Related posts:

1. Self-Delusion #2: If I Buy Everything Now, Then I Won’t Have To Spend Later
2. How Other People Spend Their Money
3. How Do You Decide What to Spend Money On?

I had an epiphany this week.  It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve never been this serious.  I am in debt.  A lot of debt.  And while I’m getting by and am not missing payments or anything, I have put myself at great risk.  If anything goes wrong, I’m screwed.  One missed pay check and I would be unable to pay my rent.  I make enough money to be paying down my debt, but for the last year I have been spinning my wheels.

My journey to get out of debt started with an attitude adjustment.  I am really embarrassed by all of the justifications and rationalizations that got me where I am today.  I am a smart girl and if anyone had told me the things I was telling myself while living beyond my means, I would have recognized their stupidity.  But, I deluded myself.

What’s weird is that I haven’t always had trouble with money. I’ve been working continuously since high school.  I always worked more than any of my friends or classmates, and I was responsible with my money.  The trouble started when I got to grad school.  I had a budget, but I’d never supported myself completely on my own before, and I quickly realized I had underestimated the cost of living.  That’s how it started, but once the ball was rolling, I traded in all of my good money habits and adopted a new method: avoidance.

Breaking the habit of avoidance has been difficult, but once I did it, I realized that though my situation is serious, I can handle it.  There is a lot I can do to get myself out of debt.  I am already working a lot, bringing in money from multiple sources, and now it’s time to be more diligent about not spending and putting money toward my debt.

I will get into all the dirty details very soon.  Facing the numbers is so important to getting started on paying down debt.  I want this blog to be about accountability, but I also want to explore the kind of thinking that got me here.  I don’t want to for a second underestimate the importance of money, but getting out of debt is as much about psychology as it is about cash.

Getting out of debt means giving myself a stable future where I can continue to pursue my less-than-practical dreams.  There’s no excuse for the situation I’m in, but it’s time to stop hiding from my debt.  It’s time to do something about it.  For myself.

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