Part of preparing for the reality of being out of debt has been going through everything I have and getting rid of what I don’t need or want.  I should say that I’ll take just about any opportunity to do this.  I love getting rid of things.  I always have at least one bag in my trunk full of stuff to take to the Goodwill.  I’m not just a person who likes to be organized; I actually love the act of organizing things.  What I’m saying is that this has been fun for me.  But, it’s also been educational.

It’s been a weird year, because I’ve continued to regularly go through my things and pull out stuff to give away, but unlike all the years before, I haven’t been replacing these items with new things.  So, by now there are a bunch of empty hangers in my closet.  What’s more surprising to me is that there aren’t more empty hangers. And shelves and drawers.  A year of purchasing almost nothing new and yet I still have so much stuff.

On my early lists of stuff I would buy once I was out of debt, I had a bunch of expensive makeup listed.  After spending a couple days going through my current makeup collection, I’ve realized that’s the last thing I need or want. I made some deep cuts and yet I still have more than I can even find room for. And way, way more than I ever use.  Why a person who rarely wears anything but brown eyeshadow has a rainbow of shades is beyond me or anyone reasonable.  It would appear that my credit card is far more whimsical than I am.

I won’t even talk about the nail polish except to admit that I have 18 shades of green and green isn’t even a favorite color of mine.  Okay, so this one will be harder.  I do love nail polish, but I have rules in place, the first of which is no more green nail polish!

Obviously, I have a thing for pretty colors and I can be a bit of a collector if I let myself.  So, I won’t let myself.

This whole process took me from, “Well, maybe I’ll just pick up a few things I’ve wanted for a while” to “No, no, no more makeup.  You have it all already and you really don’t wear most of it.”  The bottom line is that this just is not the way I want to spend my money and the bright lights of Ulta lead me to making bad decisions.  Best to just avoid as much as I can.  I mean, if I’ve done it for more than a year, then I think I’ll be okay.

A couple weeks ago, it was pay day and I was excited.  I have a lot of pay days, since I have two jobs that both pay twice a month and rarely on the same schedule, but the first pay check of the month from my full time job is the exciting one, because it goes almost entirely toward my debt.  First chance I had, I checked my account to be sure the direct deposit had gone through and then I made the payment on my credit card.

I was about to tweet something like, “Just made a huge payment on my credit card.  This feeling never gets old.”  But then I stopped and thought of just what a weird statement that is.  It’s absolutely true, but does it really make sense for me to be excited to pay my debt and, more than that even, shouldn’t this feel old by now?

When I logged in to make my payment of $1400, I saw that my last payment, which I’d made less than a month previous, was also $1400.  That’s a lot of money and I could do a lot with it.  I mean, I could take that money and go somewhere right now.

Even once another option–a far less responsible one–occurred to me, I didn’t feel the slightest bit of temptation to change my mind about the transfer and hop a plane instead.

The bottom line is that I just don’t feel angry or resentful over my debt.  As for possible reasons why, I guess I hold only myself responsible for it, I guess I don’t think of the money I earn as ever belonging to me (it belongs to my debtors; I spent that money a couple years ago), I guess that paying off my debt no longer feels like a choice I’m making but the only thing to do, and I guess I’ve forgiven myself for the mistakes I made that got me into debt in the first place.

I could make a point right here, but I don’t have one, which is why this post has been sitting here as a draft for weeks.  I advocate all of the above, but they aren’t things I had to work on.  It’s more just the way things are.  This is my current attitude toward my debt.

But, as I get closer to the finish line, it is exciting to think of what I’ll do with all of that money when it’s no longer promised to someone else.

One thing that really scares me about being debt free is knowing that I will continue to make mistakes with my money.

My debt situation was so extreme and I reacted to it in such a strong way that I feel like I should know enough now to never make another mistake with my money.  But, I just know it’s not going to happen that way.  The answers aren’t always easy and while I’ve corrected a lot of my behavior, I’m the same person I was before. The most important part of that sentence is the admission that I am, you know, a person.

To be clear, I don’t worry about going back into credit card debt.  The circumstances that led to my debt in the first place no longer exist now that I make enough money to easily support myself.  And after working this hard for so many months, I just couldn’t do that to myself again.  I actually look forward to being responsible with my money.

So debt is not the worry.  It’s more the small and impulsive decisions I should have enough sense to avoid and the subsequent guilt and feelings of failure.  It’s the adult things like learning more about the retirement I’ve been contributing to for a couple years now.  It’s the risks, like deciding when to quit my part-time job, so I can stop working 15 hour days.  It’s the big expenses, like trips and a newer car.

Really, it’s the pressure of having to make decisions.  And it’s not so much fear as it is frustration, because I have set the standard at perfection.  What makes me nervous is that I can be very slow to admit, more to myself than anyone else, that I have made a mistake.  Really just because I take everything so personally that I’m not always willing to deal with having been wrong.  But, through this whole process, money has become way less personal to me and I think that will make it easier for me to make smart decisions and recover quickly from the not-so-smart decisions.

I’ve thought a lot about being out of debt, but I realize now that those thoughts were always fantasy-like.  I can tell, because in my fantasies I dress a lot better than I do now and I don’t worry about stupid things.  Now that it’s only a few months away, I’ve come to realize that I won’t be a completely different person by the time I’m out of debt.  I will be me, but my credit cards will not have balances.

Please forgive me for quoting myself, but this thought (from this post) was such a revelation to me when I wrote it.  I used to think obsessively about my post-debt life.  I thought a lot about things I would buy and how I might live.  Everything was, “When I’m out of debt . . . .”  But, it seems to me now that none of that was based in reality at all.  I was not the person I am, but the when I get my life together version of me. I figured I had at least a year to become perfect and awesome.

As the months passed, I slowly stopped thinking so much about the things that I would buy.  I threw away every list I wrote.  With a little distance, the things on them never seemed worth my hard earned money.  My priorities changed and then changed again.  My debt has always been on my mind and the end of the year has always seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel, but there have been other things to distract me and there has always been so much further to go.

Now it feels like suddenly I am so close and I am not prepared!  All I have are these fantasy scenarios where money is no issue at all and my hair always looks perfect no matter what.  In truth, I know that I could hit the light like a brick wall and still get back on my feet without much of a struggle.  But, that’s not how I want to do it.

It’s just that for years now, most of my spending decisions have been tinged with guilt and regret.  It was always, “I really shouldn’t be buying this” and “I really don’t have the money.”  During this process, it’s been “I have the money, but it should really be going to my debt instead.”  I suspect these thoughts will be hard to leave behind.  I also suspect that I’ll make some decisions that I will later regret.

My general attitude to money will be marked by moderation, which will mean regularly reminding myself to take my time making decisions (not my normal style).  Of course I have a specific budget in mind and will be keeping a close eye on it, but things will change.  I’m not entirely sure how yet, especially concerning how much I will continue to work, but I don’t intend to keep living like someone getting out of debt (at least not the way I have been getting out of debt).

It will take me some time to recover from 14 months of not buying stuff.  I haven’t been horribly deprived, but my wardrobe could use some serious rehab.  I need new glasses.  My car requires maintenance.  And there are things that I want!  I mean, I’m not a robot.

So I started working on a new list.  A very reasonable one.  A simple plan for what to buy when (immediately, January, February, or sometime way down the road).  Maybe I will throw it out too, but for now it’s giving me peace of mind.  It’s also making me even more excited and impatient.  I mean, you put “new shower curtain” on a list and suddenly you can’t even stand to look at your old one.

The bigger priorities have long been mapped out, but they will require some revision as well.  I’m going to be ready.

At this point, I feel like there’s a milestone to celebrate just about every week.  This one, though, is worth mentioning.  A year ago this month, I started this journey to get out of debt.

I can’t say the exact day, because this didn’t start with a light bulb moment.  At some point in early-mid November, I guess it finally occurred to me that I didn’t need to wait for a miracle that wasn’t coming.  I could get out of debt all by myself.  That was the realization that had to take place.

Then I decided to blog about it.  After some debate about the name, I registered this domain on November 13, 2009.  It felt kind of hypocritical to spend $10 on a domain right after deciding to get out of debt, but I knew I wanted to write about this.  I wasn’t entirely convinced I had the follow through.  I mean, really, $20,500 is such a ridiculous number.  What kind of a crazy, over-confident girl would I have to be to think I was a match for that?

One thing was as certain as it had always been for me: no one could know I was doing this.  No one could know that by my fault alone, I was drowning in debt.  Maybe I would say something once I’d won the battle.  Then I could collect congratulations without disapproval.  I could not help but worry what everyone would think of me.

So I wrote furiously to an audience of no one.  I got a taste again of what it’s like to be a new blogger, starting from scratch and with no connections.  I missed everyone, but it was nice to feel like I could write whatever I wanted, because no one knew me.  That didn’t last long.  Managing a third online identity was too much for me.  I quickly messed up and commented on a blog friend’s blog with my debt blog username. I reduced this blog to nothing, hid all of the posts, and thought about what to do.

The thought of being open about my debt was another realization.  It had not appeared to me as a possibility before.  Once it was in my mind, I couldn’t get it out, though I tried so hard to convince myself it was an awful idea.  I knew I was going to do it, but that didn’t stop be from hesitating a while longer. I wrote a post for my personal blog, scheduled it to publish early the next morning, and then before going to bed, I wrote my best friend a facebook message telling her about my debt, so she wouldn’t have to find out by reading my blog.  The next morning, I woke up sick to my stomach, terrified to check my comments.

Sure, I’d never received anything but support before, but this was such an extreme situation that I wasn’t counting on it this time.  Still, when I got it, I wasn’t surprised.  What did surprise me was all of the “Yeah, me too” comments.  I’m really grateful for all of the continued support, from the “Yeah, me toos” and those of you who have never been in debt.

A year later and I’m having that typical experience of feeling on the one hand that no time has passed at all and feeling on the other hand that I don’t remember a time before I started working to get out of debt.  In the Spring, it came with a rush of adrenaline, and now it’s more of a quiet confidence that if I can do this, then I can do anything.

It has recently come to the attention of Capital One that I am getting ready to pay off the Visa they gave me more than four years ago.  I don’t blame them for being taken by surprise.  It’s been maxed out for nearly two years now.  In that time, they haven’t paid me much attention aside from monthly statements and changes to terms.

Now they see me slipping away and they’re trying to hold on.

In the last week:

These offers are not the least bit tempting, since I only drive Hondas and I don’t have any balances to transfer! Also, I want to be out of debt–not in different debt.

There was a time, even shortly after I started paying down my debt, where the letters I received from creditors said things like, “Yeah, I don’t think this is going to work out” and “We can stay together, but there will some changes, like a lower credit limit and higher fees.”  All of these, “Please don’t leave us!” letters from Capital One and my regular bank are a nice change of pace.

But, sorry, I’ve moved on.

I guess the embarrassing thing about debt is that it suggests you have no self control.  For that reason, I held on for a long time (and maybe I still do) to the claim that my debt was different.  It went to rent and groceries and text books!  And, okay, some nail polish too, but that was only after I was in over my head.

I don’t like the image of me being stupid enough to go shopping and then throw down plastic time after time when I knew I didn’t have the money.  I think, that’s not me.  The fabulous movie montage I’m picturing in my head, no, that’s not me.  But, what’s the difference, really?

The debt is the same either way and the same amount of work is required to pay it off.  That I don’t have a closet full of fabulous shoes to show for my debt is not exactly a point of pride.  An education? Sure, but if I’d been smarter and worked harder, I could have this same education without the credit card debt.  It was not necessary, even if I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise.

Thinking that my debt was different, like I wasn’t exactly like all the other millions of people in debt, did nothing but make things worse for me and delay my taking any responsibility for this mess.  Fooled by my own self-importance.

It’s the same.  I’m the same.  And getting out is the same.

When it comes to health care, even insurance companies agree that preventative medicine is not only better, but cheaper than only addressing a problem once it’s become a problem.  I suspect that’s true of a lot of things, which troubles me a bit as a person trying to get out of debt.

The tendency is to put things off until you’re out of debt.  I’m in a hurry to be out of debt, so all of my money goes to pay off my credit cards except for the small amount of money that goes toward the must haves, like food and rent.

In the short term, I think it works just fine, but I have been deferring maintenance not just since I decided to get out of debt, but since I started accruing debt in the first place.  It’s been about four years now.

When I no longer had dental insurance, I stopped getting regular teeth cleanings.  Once I did have insurance, I had four cavities, which is not just problematic for the state of my teeth, but cost me hundreds of dollars because I opted for white fillings instead of silver.

There’s no better example than my car.  I don’t take great care of it.  I don’t take it in for regular tune ups and I wait far too long between oil changings. I actually risked my safety and avoided getting new tires until I absolutely had to.

It’s all to do with money.  Back then I felt like I didn’t have any (I didn’t, yet I wasted it on other things) and now I’m just so focused on getting out of debt that I keep putting everything off.

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I wrote the above portion of this post in early Summer.  It continued on with an internal debate about whether I should continue to defer maintenance or consider some exceptions.  In the end, I took a trip to the dentist, which didn’t cost me anything, because I didn’t have any cavities.  But, I put off maintenance on my car except when it couldn’t be avoided.

Now that I’m only two months away from being out of debt, I’m not much interested in the should I/shouldn’t I debate.  I’m thinking positive thoughts about everything I have holding out until then (I’m looking at you favorite brown flats) and I am just incredibly excited to finally (after four years!) have the money to take care of myself and my things without worrying constantly about the costs involved.   I mean, having to spend a bunch of money on my car will suck no matter what, but now I won’t have to live with the threat of an anvil falling from the sky.

Being able to deal with these things before they become problems will also be a point of pride for me.  It’s like that good feeling I get when I pay my bills every month.   It’s really comforting to know you can take care of yourself.

I have always had the vague intention to blog about consumerism.  Not in general, of course, but as it relates to me and my debt and my future life without debt.  I haven’t, because I’ve never felt like I had much to say about it.  I realize now that it’s not really that I have nothing to say about it, but rather than I fall so middle of the road on this topic that it hardly seems worth debating, even with myself.

I could almost genuinely say that consumerism is not a huge topic for me, because it has never caused a problem in my life.  I could go on and on describing myself as someone who is quite reasonable about stuff, neither shunning it nor lusting after it.   There are a few nice things I really enjoy, like my MacBook Pro and my iPhone 4, but when people start describing Apple fans as if we worship our gadgets, I think they’re being ridiculous.  I may joke that my relationship with my computer is the best I have going right now, but I know I’d be just fine if we ever broke up.

All of that is very true about me except when it’s not.  First of all, I’m kind of the opposite of a hoarder.  I am constantly getting rid of everything.  I make at least a monthly trip to the Goodwill, bringing several bags full of stuff with me every time.  If it’s not perfect, if I don’t use it, then it’s gone.  Sounds great, really, but what happens is that I get rid of things so that I can replace them with new things.  It’s almost compulsive and most definitely perfectionistic.

Second of all, 2008 and 2009.  In talking about how I got into debt, I always say that it started with moving and paying for school and covering living expenses, but then once I was in debt, I started making bad decisions.  At first just in keeping up with a lifestyle I was used to.  Nothing extreme at all, but being able to replace things that were worn out, buy books and music, and go do things when opportunities arose.  Later it took a turn for the very unreasonable.

I’ve written about this before, but something crazy came over me in late 2008 and extended far into 2009.  I started shopping compulsively.  It was not the easiest time for me.  I was finishing my MA and applying to PhD programs and there was just this overwhelming cloud of uncertainty hanging over my life. Combine with that that I’d just started working full time at the library, so I had money or, considering my debt, the illusion of money, and I started shopping to make myself feel better.  Really, buying stuff to fill holes in my life and spending my time shopping to distract myself from thinking about the things bothering me.  I continued doing that up until the point I decided to get out of debt.

After almost a year of not shopping at all, it’s quite easy to again think of myself as someone who is not easily consumed by stuff, but I can’t shake knowing that tendency is within me.  I am quite confident I won’t go into credit card debt again, but I worry about going back to compulsive consumerism as a way of dealing with things, even if I can pay in full every month.

I wish I had something more profound to say about going from compulsively buying stuff to not buying anything, but I don’t.  It wasn’t a very hard transition to make, though I will say that sustaining a habit of not buying anything is hard.  I once worried that I’d gone from one extreme to the other without really learning moderation.  I don’t worry that much about it anymore, in part because I’m in such a better mental place now than I was back then.  The strange truth is that my debt filled me with such overwhelming dread that my only way of dealing with it (other than getting out, of course) was to distract myself from it by shopping, which of course only compounded the problem.

I crave a hard and fast rule.  That’s the easy part about not buying anything.  There’s very little decision-making involved.  But, moderation will be a welcome challenge for me.  What gives me confidence is knowing that unless I am purposely deluding myself, it’s really quite easy to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy consumerism.  I absolutely knew that shopping I was doing was to distract myself and I even knew that my pathetic way of dealing with my debt was only making it worse.  It just felt bad.  I am sure to mess up sometimes, but I’m optimistic that I can have a healthy relationship with stuff, that I can consume ethically, and that I’ll know when I’ve gone off course.

I guess because I’ve been distracted, when I look at my current level of debt, it doesn’t feel real to me.

I started with such a high number that even after working hard for a long time, it was still a really high number.  I remember when I reached the half way point–$10,000 paid off and $10,000 left to go–and it was really exciting, but also pretty discouraging.  All of that work and to still have a huge amount of debt.

I’ve thought a lot about being out of debt, but I realize now that those thoughts were always fantasy-like.  I can tell, because in my fantasies I dress a lot better than I do now and I don’t worry about stupid things.  Now that it’s only a few months away, I’ve come to realize that I won’t be a completely different person by the time I’m out of debt.  I will be me, but my credit cards will not have balances.

Seeing my debt in the $3,000 range is unreal.  I mean, I actually don’t experience it as being real.  I stare at my phone and give the Mint app. curious looks, because I’m not sure how I got here.

Of course I don’t mean how in the practical sense, because that’s very easy to explain.  There is no mystery about it.  I mean how in the times has passed so quickly, I’m actually getting somewhere, thank God I made the decision to do this sense.

I imagine it will only seem more unreal as the number dwindles to nothing.