I’m Not Sure About This Being Reasonable Thing

I have a confession.  When I was in debt, there was something kind of thrilling about buying stuff.  It was knowing I shouldn’t, but doing it anyway.  I’m not a wild person, so I guess this was the lame way I rebelled.

Part of it was this thought I often had where, like an addict, this was going to be the last thing I’d buy and then I would be set to not buy anything else for a long time.  It was the pizza you eat the night before you start a diet.  The last hurrah that leads into the excitement of taking control of your life.  Except, then there was something else to buy and look at those shiny things over there.  (The time I finally was serious about paying off my debt, there was no final shopping trip.  I got started with no hurrah at all–just the thrill of getting out of debt.)

Another confession: the first thing I did after making the final transfer to clear my credit card balance was tweet and blog about it.  The second thing I did was go shopping.  I mean, it was December 23rd and I had purchased zero Christmas presents, so I had to.  Of course I shopped for myself as well.

Don’t get me wrong, it was nice finally buying new jeans.  I really needed new shoes too.  But, I walked through the stores and I picked things up and even though they kind of sparked my interest, I put them back down again, because they didn’t seem worth the money or worth the space they’d take up in my apartment.  I knew that if I really wanted them, then I’d buy them later.  I didn’t delude myself into thinking that nice scarf would really make much of a difference in my life.

Without the thrill of buying what I shouldn’t or the urgency of getting that shiny thing now or never, I found myself making incredibly reasonable decisions. Stuff lost some of its appeal.  Obviously, this is a great place to be, but now I have to look somewhere else for thrills.  I’m considering starting a fight club.