It Was The Shopping Too

It would be really easy for me to say that all of my debt is a result of grad school.  It was what I had to do to live the dream!  The dream just got away from me a bit.  It’s true that I’m almost certain I would not be in debt if not for grad school and that a great percentage of my debt is comprised of rent and food and books for school.  I didn’t suddenly adopt an extravagant lifestyle.  I kept my expenses low and tried to make good decisions.

I guess in my mind, this is a nobler kind of debt.  What it says is that I did it for a good reason.  It wasn’t a result of a lack of discipline.  It benefits my sense of self to look at my debt this way.

But, this view doesn’t tell the whole story.  First, I don’t know that it’s really worth dividing up debt into noble and not.  It’s still debt, borrowed at a high percentage, and I’m not off the hook for it.  It was stupid and I could have avoided it by working more.

Second, once I had debt, my strong decision-making abilities sometimes took a vacation and that self-control, well, I had some trouble exercising it here and there.  It was stupid and irresponsible, but it’s really easy to say, what’s $100 when I’m already $5,000 in debt? What’s a new pair of jeans? What’s Arrested Development on DVD?  What’s a $2000 laptop? I mean, I need a laptop.  Plus, this is the one Veronica Mars uses! I let myself focus on things other than the bottom line.

This last year and a half was the worst.  I’d started working full time at the library.  I had a few other jobs on the side and I was finishing my thesis.  I was working hard and I used that as the reason I deserved nice things.  I just happened to run straight into a little makeup and nail polish obsession.

It’s hard to describe what happened next.  In part, I don’t understand it, but another part of me sees how easily I could do it again.  I started turning my brain off.  I started shopping as a way to deal with my problems.  I was really stressed out, trying to graduate and waiting to hear back from PhD programs.  There was so much uncertainty in my life and just blogging about it wasn’t enough.

I described this in an earlier post, but you cannot underestimate the power of Ulta on a troubled mind.  The place brings peace.  It’s bright and clean and there are pretty little things everywhere to fill up the holes in your life or at least let you forget about them for a while.  I would go and spend nearly an hour there looking around, never leaving empty handed.  You wouldn’t believe how quickly nail polish adds up.  I spent a great deal of my free time this way.  It made it easier to avoid a lot of things.

I did feel guilty and one of the things stressing me out–one of the things I was trying to avoid–was my debt.  But, I would convince myself that in the grand scheme of things, none of this mattered that much.  Plus, I was making quite a bit of money, so I could afford it.  But, there really is no such thing as standing in place when it comes to debt.  Not when you’re being charged high interest on a huge sum every month.  I was making all of my minimum payments, but they weren’t getting me anywhere.

Those shopping trips were almost trance like.  I left all reason behind.  I could give them up for a while and behave, but then ruin my progress a few weeks later.  I’m dealing now with the things I was avoiding then.  And, I not only want more than I ever have before to get out of debt, but it seems like a real possibility for the first time.  I think I’m going to do this and I’m not going to let irrational thoughts stop my progress.

I often think about that point when I’m finally out of credit card debt.  When I will have money to spend and will allow myself to do so.  I want to continue spending money with purpose–with intentionality.  I don’t want to go back into a trance, because I never woke up feeling like myself.