For a really long time, I was the only person who knew about my debt. The first two years I was in denial, so it wouldn’t have even occurred to me that I had a problem. I swear, reasonable person that I am, I somehow believed things would work themselves out. This was just life as a struggling student. Later I recognized the problem, but I was making a lot of money, so I thought dealing with it would be no real effort. $20,0000 in debt. No big deal? Ridiculous.
When I decided to really get out of debt, it felt different than all the times I’d flirted with it before. Within two weeks, I’d spilled my guts to the internet. It’s impossible to admit problems before you realize they’re problems. Once you know they’re problems, then comes the shame. But, when they change from just problems to problems you’re dealing with, sharing becomes a lot easier.
That’s how I feel about blogging my debt out on the internet. It’s embarrassing, still, to admit where I am. All this work later, and I’m still very far in debt. But, most of the time I don’t even think about it. I made mistakes. Not some girl I used to be, but me. So now I’m dealing with those mistakes–not someone who swooped in for the rescue, but me.
Don’t be fooled, though. I am not usually this good at admitting my mistakes. You see, people have this idea of me and over the years, I’ve bought into it. This ideal girl, I’m sure, is far more rigidly constructed in my mind than in all of theirs, but the members of my family are all alike in that we prefer to deal with our problems on our own. If I told my family about my debt, they would be concerned and they would be involved. They would also judge, though I grow less and less concerned with that all the time.
I know that keeping your problems a secret only makes them seem worse and admitting them sets you free in many ways. But, I think I’m doing the right thing for me in keeping my debt problem a secret from my family until it is no longer a problem. I have enough support to deal with it and I am fiercely motivated all on my own.
When I have paid off my credit card debt, I will tell my family. I am not ashamed to have made the mistakes I did and I will be really proud to have dealt with them. Maybe they will be shocked. Maybe they won’t be surprised at all. But, it’s a big deal for me and want them to know that.
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I guess since you are confiding in someone (the internet) it’s not like you are going through it alone. Your family will understand when you tell them.
I can understand you a lot in this. It’s like saying, “I WAS in debt but got myself out of it myself.” It’s not admitting defeat and them thinking you want them to help you out. I’m constantly comparing my weight loss struggle to your debt struggle because a lot of times, it’s easier to keep it all a secret until I lose the weight. Instead of people thinking it’s just a phase and I’ll be back to my unhealthy ways soon, I’ve already done it and lost the weight.
And you have the support of the Internet which can sometimes be more helpful and loving than the support of your family. You’re doing great, Ashley!
Ashley- I’m curious to know how you’re so sure they don’t read your blog. With minimal sleuthing, I found my sister’s blog a few years ago…all I did was do a search for e-mail address and her livejournal account came up (don’t ask me why I did it, I just figured if anyone was keeping a blog, it would be her). I never said anything (until she took it down later).
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