Lately I have been thinking back over my financial past and finding a lot of empty spaces in the time line. I remember financial decisions I made my first year of college in extreme detail. I remember how much I had in my accounts and what I did with that money. But, thinking about just the last year, I can’t even remember how I went about paying my bills or what I thought when I did or what my minimum payments were. I don’t remember anything.
Except for a tiny portion of my school loans, all of my debt has been accrued in just the last 3.5 years. Since I started graduate school. I was in credit card debt from the moment I moved down here, because, well, I moved down here with nothing and that budget I’d been obsessing over for the entire Summer was laughable in the face of reality. But, it was just temporary. Only $1000. I’d get myself out of that. Except, I was making very little money and living in California is expensive.
I’ve said a number of times that my financial method of choice became avoidance. I went from being very diligent with my finances (from the age of 17 or so (when I started working) up until 22) to avoiding them almost completely. I didn’t even like to look at the numbers.
Being the person I am, I several times decided I was going to get my stuff together. I would look at everything and stop avoiding the problem, but the only way to get out of debt is to make money and 15 hours a week at my school’s library was not cutting it. I’d bought into a lifestyle. Not a lavish one in the typical sense, but a life where money was not what was important. Achieving the dream was important–getting the education, having the time to study, living in the comfortable bubble of my school’s campus.
I deluded myself into thinking that either there was no problem or it would somehow miraculously work itself out (all my critical thinking skills and I actually believed this). Of course, I did on some level know there was a problem. In those moments of clarity, I switched from delusion to avoidance.
I’m still mystified by my Swiss cheese memory of the last three years–the last year, especially. I guess I don’t remember what I was thinking about my finances, because though they were weighing on me heavily, I did my best not to think about them.
In November, I stopped avoiding my finances. When I faced the numbers this time, I had things in line to really do something about my debt. By things, I mean money and jobs (so that I could continue earning money). This lifestyle is not as comfy as my previous one where my nights were spent at home and many of my days were free for studying, but I am a lot more at peace than I was in all of those years, avoiding not just the elephant in the room, but the one standing on top of me, blocking my air.
I was shocked–and I never admit to being shocked by anything–to find that facing my debt and dealing with it was like dropping weights off of my shoulders and it made a difference in other areas of my life where avoidance had become my full-time job. You know the way you watch scary movies with your hands over you eyes, the spaces between your fingers allowing just the tiniest peek at what’s playing on the screen? I was walking through life that way. And because this post doesn’t have enough metaphors already, it was like I was a cartoon character waiting for the anvil to fall. I didn’t dare to dream, because whether or not it would work out seemed completely up to chance.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that I’d made mistakes, but what I really didn’t want to do was put in the hard work of fixing those mistakes. I’d never been afraid of hard work before, but grad school alone had me feeling overwhelmed and my debt is even more overwhelming. I never thought about it this clearly, but the great fear, I guess, was that I was going to have to give up on my dream. I was going to have to quit school or at least slow it down, which was scary to me, because I didn’t know what else I would do (not that I’m not capable of anything else, but I didn’t want to do anything else). Of course, what’s ridiculous is that I was avoiding my great fear by making it an even bigger possibility. That’s the problem with avoidance. You’re too scared to face your problems, so you avoid them long enough that they grow legs and scary fangs and finally makes themselves impossible to ignore.
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{ 3 comments }
Ah, I’m so good at avoidance!
The fact that you’re no longer avoiding but accepting your mistakes and fixing it is a HUGE step. Whether it’s about debt or just anything in general. You’re able to do something that most people still avoid and hide. You’re making a difference & taking charge. For that, be proud. =)
Great post! I love the Swiss cheese description. This is very applicable to other areas of life, not just finances. Admitting to and facing your problems is the hardest, but most important, part.
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